How to Treat Your Hanyou for Lice
by Moeyjo
Summary: Kagome treats Inuyasha's lice. Sango, Miroku, and Shippo can help too. Rating for language.


You've gone and clicked on my little brainchild. Oh noes…..

Disclaimer: Inuyasha & Co. aren't mine, but I'm gonna abuse them anyways, hehehe.

* * *

The time had come to say it. Kagome fidgeted where she sat on the dirt floor of Kaede's hut, nervously fumbling with the hem of her sock. Inuyasha had been skirting the issue for days now, avoiding her and constantly changing the subject whenever she tried to start a conversation. She had tried to ignore it while they were traveling, especially in the company of Miroku, Sango, and Shippo. But they were home now, back in the village. Shippo had gone out to play with Kirara, and Sango and Miroku had gone off to catch fish for dinner. Only Kagome and Inuyasha were left, Kagome pretending to do her math homework, and Inuyasha slouched up against the wall pretending not to watch. 

Kagome sighed regretfully. It was now or never.

"Inuyasha….I think you have lice."

"Keh. Shut up wench." The most direct response she'd gotten yet.

"Inuyasha, please. You've been scratching for days. I spend hours on your back every day with my face in your hair. _You. Have. Lice. _I've probably caught it too by now…."

"It's fine! Doesn't bother me anyways!"

"Do you even know what lice are?" Kagome had risen to her knees now, arms crossed over her chest. She smirked and arched an eyebrow.

"…"

"They're little bugs. Little bugs that live in your hair. They make nests. It makes you itch. Really. Really. Bad."

Inuyasha did not appear to have been expecting this answer. Almost fearfully he reached up into his long silver mane and felt around cautiously. Feeling nothing out of order, he withdrew his hand and scoffed, "Stupid wench, there's nothing in there."

Kagome rolled her eyes. "They're _tiny. _You can barely see them, much less feel them."

"Then why does it matter? Gods woman, you're so nosy!" He shifted back against the wall of the hut, as if this had ended the conversation.

"_Inuyasha_!" Obviously the conversation wasn't as over as he had hoped.

Kagome swiftly formulated a plan. Continuing in a softer tone, she explained, "These lice are little monsters. They didn't ask for your permission to live in your hair. They won't listen if you tell them to leave."

"The hell they won't listen to me…_Lice, you'd better fuckin get ou_-"

"_No_!" Kagome interrupted. Inuyasha had lept to his feet and was now crouched for attack, holding two thick locks of hair out in front of his face with each fist and snarling. "No?"

"No. They are evil. They could be working for Naraku."

"Naraku?" So simple.

"Yes. Naraku." Kagome calmly replied, a bit pleased with the ease of manipulating her gullible hanyou companion.

"That bastard! Every single time I-"

"Exactly. That is why there is only one thing we can do." She pulled herself to her feet, one index finger in the air authoritatively. Inuyasha sat back down, his mind putting two and two together.

"Kagome…"

"That's right. We have to kill them."

"Kill who, Kagome-chan?" Sango and Miroku had just arrived, Shippo and Kirara trailing behind. Sango carefully set Hiraikotsu down, eyeing the two curiously.

"Naraku's fucking minions!" Inuyasha growled in disgust, standing once again and drawing Tessaiga. Their companions all drew back in shock.

"Inuyasha has lice." Kagome quickly dispelled their worry, simultaneously causing Inuyasha to flush, embarrassed.

"Ah…" Was the simultaneous response. The two humans shuffled back a few steps, and Kirara darted behind Sango's ankles. Miroku held the freshly-caught fish in his hands away from Inuyasha, as if somehow the lice would make their way to the uncooked dinner. Shippo just shrugged, even more in the dark than Inuyasha.

"We'll see who has lice when I'm through!" Inuyasha recomposed himself and crouched again as if for battle, holding the trusty sword extended. Kagome wasn't sure what he had in mind, but she knew if it involved his favorite weapon of mass destruction, it didn't need to happen inside Kaede's hut. "Inuyasha-"

At the last minute, Inuyasha flipped the sword so that the blade faced himself. "_Kaze no K_-"

"_No_!" Five bodies struck him at the same time, effectively halting his ill-thought-out attack and toppling him to the floor. Kagome moaned in frustration as she attempted to disentangle her right arm from under Inuyasha's knee and behind Sango's elbow. Once free, she proceeded to smack the collapsed hanyou soundly over the head.

"What the hell was that for bitch!"

"The lice must be eating your _brains_!" She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose in efforts to ward off an oncoming headache.

"_What_?"

Kagome winced and took a deep breath. "There is a soap from my time. It will kill the lice. It's a shampoo that you wash your hair with." She had barely gotten her sentence out when Inuyasha started shaking his head.

"I am sure as hell not going to be washing my hair, _especially_ not with that flowery shit you always reek of!" He crossed his arms and stuck his nose in the air stubbornly.

"In….u…ya….sha…." The very brief calm before the storm. Inuyasha cringed and ducked, the triangular ears atop his head flattening in anticipation of pain.

"So it's like a poison?" Miroku interjected helpfully. Inuyasha sighed in relief as Kagome turned to respond. Shippo pouted.

"Yes! It's like a poison. Only it just kills the lice, not anybody else." Kagome explained soothingly. Inuyasha was becoming increasingly difficult, but she hoped that with this explanation he would willingly allow her to help. Well, as willingly as could be expected…

"And it won't make me smell like flowers and shit?" A bit of doubt still lingered in the hanyou's masculine mind.

"No, it will not make you smell like flowers and—no, you won't smell like flowers." Kagome managed to smile encouragingly. "Just give me half an hour to go get it, and then I'll be back." She half expected Inuyasha to raise hell just because she was going home, if only for a short time, but he had returned to his seat against the wall, scowling like a petulant schoolboy.

------

It was almost an hour before Kagome managed to make it back. Although she had been rushing, Houjo had managed to intercept her on her way to the store, and it had taken almost fifteen minutes to politely end their conversation. She bought extra ramen as penance for being late, and for the unpleasantness to come, and wisely resolved not to even bring Houjo up as an excuse for her tardiness.

When she arrived, the little hut was in near chaos. Inuyasha was trying to grab at Shippo, who had climbed to the top of Sango's head, wailing. Sango was attempting to hold Inuyasha off with one foot awkwardly braced against his chest. At the same time she was swatting furiously at Miroku, who had seen this as a golden opportunity to express appreciation for his favorite demon-slayer's toned body and round curves. In Sango's defense, Kirara had climbed up in Miroku's robes and was causing some sort of mischief in there, because Miroku was alternating between dodging Sango's slaps and shaking out the long material of his robes indignantly, saying, "Kirara, I did not know you were _that _type of youkai. You stay out of there!"

Kaede had returned, and was sitting calmly outside the hut, preparing the fish for dinner. At Kagome's questioning glance, she only replied, "I don't want to have lice in the food."

"_Osuwari_." Kagome said firmly, once inside. Inuyasha face-planted into the floor. Shippo stopped crying and climbed down to Sango's shoulder. Sango delivered one last resounding _smack_. Miroku sighed, properly chastised, and reached down under his robes to retrieve Kirara. Once he had her in hand he eyed the intrusive little cat-yokai with displeasure and a bit of nervousness, but Kirara only mewed innocently.

"Inuyasha. Outside." Fuming, Inuyasha collected himself from the floor and stalked outside, the rest of their companions following with mild expressions of curiosity. Kagome had already gathered the necessary buckets of water, towels, and the lice shampoo was in hand. "Take off your haori. I don't want to get soap on your clothes." Inuyasha complied, eyeing the supplies suspiciously, but refusing to acknowledge what he could see coming. He didn't have to.

"Osuwari." Kagome said again, and once again Inuyasha crashed into the ground face-first.

"_Mmmphgrrrgnarrrphhhwwoman why the hell_-"

"Osuwari." She didn't even wait for his response this time before primly perching herself on Inuyasha's back, while he was still half-buried in the grass and soil, and dousing his head with water.

Inuyasha was speechless. Realizing Kagome's position on him, he blushed furiously. Miroku opened his mouth to comment suggestively on the interesting picture Kagome made, sitting on shirtless Inuyasha, but Sango raised her arm in preparation for a resounding backhand, and Miroku managed to remain silent.

"Relax, Inuyasha, this won't take long, and it won't hurt." Kagome couldn't resist tweaking one of his fuzzy ears reassuringly. It flicked and twitched under her fingertips and Kagome giggled as Inuyasha managed to reach up and try to bat her hand away as he would a fly.

"Stupid wench…" He muttered without much enthusiasm, his face still warm.

------

_One hour later…_

"_Holy fucking__shit_! You bitch, what the hell are you _doing_ back there!"

"I'm sorry Inuyasha, but when was the last time you combed your hair?" Kagome strained against the stubborn knots with her tiny comb, the bottle of shampoo having been temporarily cast aside in light of this more pressing matter.

"That shampoo reeks! Who the hell invented this stuff!" More complaints from the hanyou peanut-gallery.

"I don't know, but you said you didn't want to smell like flowers!" Kagome rubbed her nose. The chemical scent _was_ a bit strong.

"I didn't want to smell like shit either!"

"Maybe if I held his head down and you pulled…?" Sango suggested. Her sleeves were rolled up and she was seated at Inuyasha's head, another lock of silver hair in one hand and a comb in the other.

"I don't know, we might just have to cut it. Do you have your knives with you Sango?"

"I have one, but this looks awfully tough. Inuyasha, where did you leave Tessaiga?"

"_Nobody_ is _cutting_ my _hair_!"

"Don't worry, Inuyasha, we'll do everything we ca-"

"_Gaaaaahhh! _Get that fucking brat out of my hair, or I swear I'll-"

"Oh no, Shippo, don't pull on his hair like that. You should use the comb and pull from the bottom, then work your way up. Like this. See?" Kagome demonstrated with her own comb and section of hair.

"Kagome, dammit, that's the fourth time you've told him, he's doing it on _purpose_!" Inuyasha attempted to swivel around to take a swipe at the little youkai, who easily dodged and stuck out his tongue. Shippo's amusement at Inuyasha's situation was highly evident.

"Ah, Kagome-sama, how is this?"

"…" Kagome paused, her mouth slightly open, to look at where Miroku was seated with another comb and a section of Inuyasha's hair.

"…" Sango also stopped her work, speechless.

"Oh." Was all Kagome could say before Shippo burst out in hysterical laughter.

" 'Oh'? What's 'oh' mean? _Kagome!_ _What does 'Oh' mean dammit_?" Inuyasha frantically tried to crane his neck to see where Miroku was, but alas, the monk was conveniently sitting in Inuyasha's current blind spot.

"Ah, don't worry Inuyasha! It's nothing I can't fix!" Kagome said a bit too brightly, and gave a false little laugh to further add to Inuyasha's growing panic.

------

_Two hours later…_

Utterly defeated, Inuyasha lay motionless, face-down on the ground. His ego had been crushed, is spirit broken, his will to live destroyed. Naraku had won. He barely registered the feel of Kagome's weight lifting off of him and her voice saying, "All done!" He didn't move.

Kagome fanned his face a bit and leaned over to peer into his glazed amber eyes. Perhaps the smell of the shampoo really had gotten to him? "Inuyasha? We're finished."

"Eh?" He blinked and slowly dragged himself up to a sitting position. He felt his hair carefully, ensuring that nothing was out of order, then smirked a bit in satisfaction. "Keh, that'll show Naraku."

"Yes, and please don't catch any lice again? Your hair is very big." Kagome recommended with a hopeful smile, then began to rummage through her bag. He cringed and scooted back a fair distance when she produced two more bottles of the offensive lice-slaying shampoo, but she only handed one to him, along with a comb. "The hell?" He looked at the items quizzically.

"Lice spread easily, so we'll all have to use the shampoo, just to be safe. Sango and I are going to the hot springs, and you can help Miroku and Shippo."

At the mention of the kitsune's name, realization dawned and an evil glint shone in Inuyasha's eyes. "Sure Kagome! Take your time, I'll keep the bouzo away." Miroku's shoulder's slumped in regret. Shippo began to back away, but was suddenly scooped up from behind, rendered helpless in midair.

Kagome and Sango waved as they headed off, Kagome calling back, "Don't forget Shippo's tail, Inuyasha!"

Inuyasha held Shippo up by his tale, looking him square in the eye. "I think you have lice, brat."

* * *

Author's note: First fanfic ever! I'm not sure how good it is, but I do know that I'm rather proud of myself for putting forth the effort, even if it is just a one-shot. Goodness knows I read enough fanfiction, gosh…. I'm used to writing, just not fanfiction. It was just one of those things where I felt like I shouldn't loaf around on ff net and critique other people's works if I hadn't even tried it myself. I have newfound respect for authors who are writing all those 100,000+ word IY epics and such. I shall always be living in your shadow, I think. 

Lice is nasty. I've never actually had it though. I didn't include the parts where you have to boil and disinfect every bloody thing you own, aside from the hair-washing. Perhaps we'll save that for another fic?

R&R, but please no flames. Authors have feelings too


End file.
